KANSAS CITY, Mo. (Wireless Flash) -- There are indeed spiders from Mars -- but David Bowie is nowhere near them.
[Suddenly, that joke isn't funny anymore.]
Kansas City-based UFO expert Max Tonnies says evidence suggests the red planet is inhabited by giant spider-like creatures resembling mold colonies.
["UFO expert?" WTF? "Max"? Spider-like "creatures"? I never said any of this!]
Tonnies also says orbiting probes have photographed large banyan trees and sponge-like creatures similar to tumbleweeds rolling across Mars on a regular basis.
[Totally out-of-context or else completely fabricated. I don't know where in the world those "tumbleweeds" came from. Why did they even bother going through the motions of an "interview" if they knew they were going to write this shit?]
Unfortunately, the only way to prove Mars is inhabited by spiders and sponges is to send a manned mission, but Tonnies doesn't expect NASA to blast off anytime soon.
[Well, they got the last part right.]
He says the space agency is split between the scientists at the Jet Propulsion Lab, who are obsessed with building robotic geologists, and engineers at the Johnson Space Center, who have their hands full with the International Space Station.
[More or less. At least they refrained from lobbing anymore incomprehensible "sponge" accusations . . .]
Still, he's holding out hope that another country with a space agency will take up the slack and prove life exists on Mars within ten years.
[Finally -- something I actually said.]
Tonnies discusses life on Mars in a new book, "After The Martian Apocalypse" (Paraview Press).
[Paraview Pocket Books, you meatheads. It's a completely separate entity.]
[And yes, I know exactly what's going on here. Systematic marginalization of anything that doesn't fall into "normal" ontological circuits. To quote The Smiths one more time, "I've seen this happen in other people's lives; now it's happening in mine."]
Pictured above are some of the real Martian "spiders" (NASA's own term, by the way).
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