My School Backpack is a bulletproof child's backpack manufactured by MJ Safety Solutions of Massachusetts. Because your kids aren't scared enough, dammit.
"A stunning survey of the latest evidence for intelligent life on Mars. Mac Tonnies brings a thoughtful, balanced and highly accessible approach to one of the most fascinating enigmas of our time."
--Herbie Brennan, author of Martian Genesis and The Atlantis Enigma
"Tonnies drops all predetermined opinions about Mars, and asks us to do the same."
--Greg Bishop, author of Project Beta
"I highly recommend the book for anyone interested in the search for extra-terrestrial artifacts, and the political intrigues that invariably accompany it."
--David Jinks, author of The Monkey and the Tetrahredron
"Mac Tonnies goes where NASA fears to tread and he goes first class."
--Peter Gersten, former Director of Citizens Against UFO Secrecy
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(Includes my essay "The Ancients Are Watching.")
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2 comments:
Bingo! Mac is onto something I've been afraid of saying until now: All hail...Bert and Ernie, the real controllers of our simulated destiny!
I was 'thinking' the other day about just how _alien_ Big Bird (mothman simulant?) and Snuffleupagus (cthulu equivalent?) must initially seem to pre-schoolers exposed to the dastardly black propaganda experiment known as "Sesame Street" when it hit me:
it's all part of the plan! Jesus, save us! Reverse-engineered alien tech backpacks, for God's sake, people! On our children's backs!
I mean, think about it: who do you think is behind this MJ-12 group? It _has_ to be Bert and Ernie, and that the iron hand in the velvety sock puppet, as it were, must be a shape-shifting, dare I say it, Reptilian Overlord? How could it be otherwise? It's as clear as the day of rapture!
This revelation then led me to slowly realize there are some weird things about The Count, other than his dreadful Transylvanian accent and penchant for counting. Numbers. Counting. Incessant repetition of letters and numbers...oh, my head hurts just to think about it...a kind of cultish ritual of rote education, polluting the precious bodily mind fluids of our kids...thus, MJ-12! Good God, people, we have to do something about this, and quickly!
Otherwise, the alien terrorists will win! None of us want that, do we!? Well, maybe the liberals do.
And don't even get me started about the...[sotto voice rising to a melancholy shriek] the awful,
hideous...Cookie Monster!!!
Forget Iraq. I can wait 'til next year to bomb Iran. We need to take charge, muster our special ops Delta forces to invade PBS headquarters and end this secret travesty, now! They don't know it yet, but they will welcome us with open arms. 'Cuz I said it, and I believe it, and somebody told me, so it must be true!
(signed)
President George W. Bush ("Junior")
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[spell-checking and additional adverbs provided by my alternate brain, V.P. Richard "Dickhead" Cheney]
The real beauty of this backpack is that your kid can't use the excuse "My math homework was blown up in a the terrorist attack".
Stan
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