Posthuman Blues

Venus probe returns first images

Experts had previously suspected the south pole might have a vortex feature; a vast vortex with an unusual double-eye feature has already been observed over the planet's north pole.

But the south polar region has scarcely been observed.

"We can see there is a twister here that is similar to that which we know from the north pole," said mission scientist Horst Uwe Keller.

(Via Remote Central.)

See, this is the problem with planetary scientists: They find weird features, such as this polar vortex, and they want to observe them so they can figure out what's causing them.

If only they were aware that Richard Hoagland already knows! Hoagland knows everything!

Just think of the time and money that could be saved if space scientists simply forwarded their queries to Hoagland. Within a couple years, we wouldn't even need any more space probes. Because the answers are in -- and by divine fiat, Hoagland is privy to every single one of them.

Polar vortices on Venus? Easy. They're caused by hyperdimensional physics and clandestine scalar weapons research.

Next, please.

Update: I swear I didn't know about this when I wrote the above.