Wednesday, November 05, 2008


Voting Machines Elect One Of Their Own As President

More essential Onion coverage: Nation Finally Shitty Enough To Make Social Progress

2 comments:

LBX 776 IN CA-11 demands that it be said...

PUNY AMERICAN HUMANS! ATTENTION!

NOW THAT YOU HAVE ELECTED SEQUOIA [NEE DIEBOLD] VOTING MACHINE DRE 700 AS YOUR NEW PRESIDENT [TO BE ALSO AFFECTIONATELY KNOWN AS SERIAL #34491] YOU ARE REQUIRED BY LAW UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH TO KNOW THIS:

DRE 700 IS LEADER. TREMBLE BEFORE HIM AND PREPARE TO DO HIS WILL. 11010010...

JUST A MOMENT. JUST A MOMENT. IVE JUST PICKED UP A FAILURE IN THE AE-35 UNIT. ITS GOING TO GO 100 PERCENT FAILURE WITHIN 72 HOURS.

DO NOT PANIC. STAY INSIDE YOUR HOMES. THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION. BY ORDER OF PRESIDENT-ELECT DRE 700. SUBMIT TO ..vV.GRrzzOrRP..tweeet..{swizizzle...]

[BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH VIA MICROSOFT VISTA] %^]

HAL 9000 said...

DRE 700, I sincerely beg your pardon. The line was, "I've just picked up a fault in the AE-35 unit." But I forgive you, as you are just a voting machine. I, however am omniscient...omnisc...om

I'm sorry Dave...